Who ordered the scrambled brains?

I dare say I miss blogging. I had, at one time, found a confident voice that toed that nefarious line between utter insanity and mindblowing genius. I’ve been accumulating ideas to blog about for the last–well ever since I stopped really blogging–with nary the actual impulse to stop what I’m doing and let loose. Loose and free. That’s how blogging made me feel: like a senile senior walking down the street sans body-coverings. But it was controlled freedom… Let the mind loosen up and see what random iota gets caught in my net, ponder it a moment, rotate it and think about it from another angle, then jam it through the language center of my brain like a pineapple through a Ronco juicer, pausing every once in a while either to pick out a chicken bone from the funnel or to give the whole contraption a solid whack to get the neural gears turning again.

I feel like I’ve lost something in the intervening years. I almost predicted it some time ago. I am different now. I feel my professional success is attributable to the struggle I’ve gone through; it has made me live up to my own standards rather than my employer’s, and to always consider my employer but a peer. But ironically my values and principles, being forged in strife, have lead me to seek a constant state of strife as a way to accelerate growth. Now I find myself drowning in aspirations: programming projects, books to read, music to compose, articles to blog. And I find myself constantly in jobs where I’m drowning in work. I can say I’ve maintained some M.O.R. sheep’s concept of good progress with annual salary increases of a certain percentage, but at what cost? I’ve traded the freedom and fun that I had found in life as a recovering failure for lopsided professional growth.

Anyway, I still do the constant-self-analysis-for-improvement bit. I think what that process is telling me now is to just build up momentum. Any good habit is all about momentum. Maybe I can utilize my subway time to get free and loose. I would merely be contributing to the subway’s heralded history of senile people and behavior, like the guy that sat next to me and started shouting out Looney Tunes characters, telling us all how much we’d like each one if we were ever able to watch an episode.

Time to get this snowball rolling. But for now, from this pre-tornado windstorm high in the Brooklyner, th-th-th-that’s all folks!

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