Who ordered the scrambled brains?

San Mateo is a disgusting and vile city. If I had my way, as Governor I would have the city totally demolished. Or I would divert exorbitant sums of money into giant shovel research, and then have the entire city of San Mateo scooped up by a flying machine carrying a massive shovel which would then carry the heathens to the Sun and their ultimate demise.

Why all the fuss? Jigsaw. This company sucks a load of crap. They’re a direct marketing firm that, you know, sells your personal information to other companies so they can molest you like a–let’s skip the analogies. The thing that makes this company especially notorious is the way they build there database. Any Joe Shmoe can create an account and upload the personal information of their friends, family, neighbors, business contacts, clergymen, gardeners, arch-rivals, and so on, for one dollar a pop. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, the company doesn’t provide a way for individuals to opt-out of their database. So, know anyone who’s just a little broke, just a little down on their luck, and just a little unscrupulous? Kill them now, while you still have your privacy.

To be honest, I think years of getting spam in my email has eroded my expectation of privacy. Which sucks. But actually I don’t really care if all the companies in the world have my street address and phone number. I lock my doors, and I screen my calls. What’s the worse they can do? I’ll admit, it sucks that cultural expectations of privacy are falling. The thing is, the ramifications could be terrible. A culture that doesn’t value privacy can creep slowly toward an Orwellian state. For example, such a culture might be more complacent towards a government that spies on it’s own citizens without oversight in the name of security. Yeah I know, hard to believe. I value privacy, but I just don’t expect it.

So Jigsaw has been quietly amassing their initial capital, and have received little press or public scrutiny. Take this recent response to an attempt I made to raise awareness about this wolf in sheep’s clothing. “Jigsaw? A new company? Who’s that? I’ll tell you one thing, I like their name. It’s cute and clever. Like my nephew, have you seen the latest pictures I have of him? Look at this one, here he’s flinging poop at the ice-cream man. And in this one, we’re showing him how to hunt deer! He’s so darn clever I’ll tell you. Where are you going? Wait don’t go! I have more! They’re really cute and clever! Come back here! Don’t get in your car! Why are you speeding away so fast? I have to show you these pictures! Do you want me to get in my car and follow you? Fine. Where are my keys? Here they are. I can only assume you’re taking me to a larger audience to whom I can show these pictures. Wait a minute. Why are you making a right on Main? Are you driving to the police department? Where are all these cops coming from? And why are they surrounding my car! Look officer, I just tried showing him these pictures. You might be interested yourself. What?! Your arresting me for harrassment? Ohhhh this really chaps my hide. I mean really seriously chaps them. Michael McGranahan, you better sleep with one eye open, ’cause I’m coming after you, punk! Your head is mine if it’s the last thing I do!”

Rather than continue risking life and limb, I am instead targeting the city of San Mateo. People know what San Mateo is, so it should be much easier to advocate about it. Just create a political party and I have all the infrastructure I need to spread lies. Once I build enough negative publicity, either the government of San Mateo will shut down Jigsaw, or we’ll have developed that flying-shovel machine I was talking about. (Donations accepted on About page.)

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